Halfway and counting

I'm halfway through my time out here, slowly desiccating in the wind and the sun, but hopeful... or am I depressed? Funny how perspective can change everything.

Yesterday, the relief of saying "halfway done!" was fairly overwhelming. But today, staring down the back half of this trip felt really daunting. "Halfway still to go." But such is everything?

I've adopted what I hope is a Zen attitude about life here. Not a happy existence, but it needn't be sad. I have time with my thoughts - which means my memories, fantasies, and creativity. But it also means my fears. I can make plans, set goals, and reach epiphanies, if I focus. And I can let myself play out disasters if I'm not careful.

Or I can face my fears. I can face the thoughts that make me worry about the future, about my relationships, my friends, my family. I can find the solace that meditating on my existence allows me to. The nature of my own mind has become my focus.

The frustration of not being able to act on these thoughts has me channeling that energy into my fitness, in all its forms. Physical, mental, spiritual. And, amazingly, they are overlapping more than I'd expected.

Memory, it seems from a brilliant article in Discover, is more malleable than science ever before thought. Ponder that for a second and tell me that doesn't force you to contemplate your faith in existence. Our sentience is practically called into question, yet we live! We experience the universe! How joyous is life? Love? And what a blessing to BE here, experiencing, fleeting and ephemeral as existence may be. My very physical being may be but a phenomenon of observation. I owe it to myself to make the most of that, to whatever force allows me to be conscious.

I sometimes question my faith. I think most of us do at some point. I typically conclude that, while I'm unsure at this point in my life WHAT I believe in, I am certain I DO believe.

So what's the point of my writing this? Will anyone ever read it? Has some discovery been made? Is this simply a collection of bits that will, for a time "exist?" Or am I simply sacrificing my thoughts to the internet? Good question.

Good question indeed.